Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
