so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
