Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just want nice things and good sex
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
