Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
