No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
