I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
