sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
