my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
