He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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