I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
