Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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