is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
