I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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