Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
