Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
