One girl and one boy is just not enough.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
