and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
