I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
