I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So. Much. Porn.
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