You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
