she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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