sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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