Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
