Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
