I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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