I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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