ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
