Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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