He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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