I just gift wrapped bread.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
