I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My dick has a subreddit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
