I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think a kid would responsible me up
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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