i don't like sucking hair
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
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I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
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Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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