we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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