You smell like stripper and shame
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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