life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
