Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
