a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My first STD was from a foam party
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
