I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize