she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
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The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
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what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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