i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
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She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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