she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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