Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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