First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
