ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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