how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
