I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
