shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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