god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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