think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
