I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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