I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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