I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
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I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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